There are those moments in life that I would say are memorable. On the other hand, I’d rather say it like this, life consists of many moments some of which have a lasting effect on your life and others moments pass by without us even noticing them. Those significant, momentous and lasting moments can change the course of your life direction.
For me many of those momentous moments didn’t always feel like some wonderful, fairy tale, skipping through a bed of roses type of event. Especially those that altered my course. The ones that made me take a long pause and say out loud, something has to change. All of them came like a thunderous bolt from Zeus himself. They were far more dramatic than the Disney movie plot where a beautiful melody plays in the background and some extraordinary, mystical person comes along and waves their magic wand and wipe out all the problems. Mines were more like surviving the “Hunger Games”. Were even your closest ally’s could turn on you and take your life. Because of that I learned to do more than just survive and be strong.
By the way, I’d like to meet the person who said being strong was a great asset. That is a bunch of bull. What they were really saying was is this: take on the problems of every one around you so that you don’t have any time or mental capacity for yourself. Get so burnt out and bitter that you don’t have any time for yourself; as you look around at all your efforts to help and support all the life sucking leeches and their recurring issues, only to realize that while you were putting all your own issues on the back burner they almost sucked all life and goodness from you. Than simply moved on without as much as a thank you. That was the moment that I said enough and became single-minded and focused on the direction that my life was taking me. That’s not to say that I lost my compassion for others, I just turned my attentions and efforts toward myself. I said Yes to me. It was time for I, yes I meant I, to make a radical change in my life. I call it radical because as the world round looked on I’m sure they all thought I had lost my mind. But in fact I found it. I began the process of uncovering my true self.
Truthfully, I exposed how totally unprepared for life, my life, I was. I was well prepared for the life of being a drone, doing what was expected. You know, graduate high school, going the college, get a good job and work until I was ready to retire. Honestly, I couldn’t wrap my head around that either. I had too many questions that needed to be answered. Life constantly left me longing for something different and asking the age-old question, what is my purpose. This life of mine had to offer something greater than following the status quo. There had to be a greater purpose for me being born into the world other than getting a job, marriage (all the stuff that came along with that) a growing old. Don’t get me wrong, I’m speaking exclusively about my life and not judging anyone else or their choices. As I see it the world is made up of all kinds of people and what produces happiness for me has nothing to do with what creates happiness for anyone else. I only knew that that life wasn’t for me. Most of all I didn’t believe that any one person, place or thing was given the assignment, the responsibility to “complete” me. I had the sole obligation to figure that part out for myself. That’s not to say that being in relationship isn’t desirable. The key for me is to be with someone who is in harmony with me. Not a clone of myself, that would be way too much for the world and me to handle. What I’m attempting to say is, I chose to be patient for that someone that will flows with me and I them. We are communal people and as nature would have it the majority of us desire to be in relationship with others and to have that person that shines a bit more light into your world. They’re not the caretaker of our “hearts” nor are they responsible for our happiness. Asking someone to undertake that I think is down right unfair, nor would I want to relinquish that much control over me. Nah!!!! I got that. Just be my partner, friend and lover, I’ll take care of the rest.
Now, can I take a minute of your time and drop a few lines regarding the crap that help to create the false illusion of what life and love was all about. Those darn TV shows that we grow up watching and many continue to watch. You know the shows that last(ed) all of 30 minutes and the parents or couple had or have perfect great job. They live(d) in the best neighborhoods and all of their children, if they had any, all grow up to become the next generation of perfect adults. And issues or life shattering event was completely worked out in 30 minutes or in part two. Please don’t tell me that many of us didn’t fall for it hook, line and sinker. The fairy tales had come to life. I know I did, millions did. Only to grow up and find out that it wasn’t reality. Heck, I would have switched places in a heart beat. I won’t ask for a show of hands that would have done the same. I spent the majority of my 20’s and 30’s trying to recreate the illusion. Tried the marriage thing, great man but wrong person for me. Had a couple more long-term relationship and at 35 had my only child. She didn’t complete me either nor did she miraculously make everything better. To tell the true life got a whole lot more complicated. I’m just telling my truth. But she has been one of my greatest gifts and teacher. I would be lying if I said every moment was wonderful but I couldn’t image not having her as apart of my life. She helped me to finally understand so much about myself and my spiritually. Most important that my happiness was exclusively my responsibility. That this journey was mine and mine alone and anyone choosing to take journey with me was just a passenger, riding along but on their own journey. Heck if someday you look around a find yourself own that ride alone, that’s ok too. It won’t last forever. Nothing ever does. It’s simply time set aside just for self. Most important, it’s perfectly fine to push a few off if you need too, lol. For me it was the only way to eliminate the all the useless noise. A few of you may understand what I’m talking about. The fear mongrels. You know, the people who always have something to say about your choices and come up with the perfect solution for YOUR life as if your life is a television needed someone to come up with a story line. Darn it, even if you don’t have a clue you’re writing your own script so have fun figuring it out. Life is all about the journey that we’re creating for ourselves and we only get one chance, in this life, to make it the best that we can be.
So, don’t be afraid to silence the haters, close the door to fear, stepp out of the box and stop holding on to anything or anyone that sn’it added to your life. People aren’t expendable but it’s ok to say that this isn’t working for me or you and I release you to be your greatest and highest self because holding on to this would be selfish on my part. Love them enough to allow them to discover their true happiness. It their work to do and you do the same for yourself.
My journey hasn’t been easy. There have been quite a few bumps, potholes and a few earthquakes along the way, but it’s been worth the ride. Now everyday that I wake up I get to experience something new or unexpected. Only because it is what I expect. I’ve only just begun and I don’t think I’ll ever figure it all out, and that’s ok. I don’t think I was meant to know it all. That would mean I’m at end of this journey and I’m not ready for that. I’ve only just begun!
I AM that I AM….
until next time….
Peacefully and gracefully unfolding,
Nkiru
unconditionallyu 